Going on Living
by Fire in the hole
Summary: Botan has yet to come into terms with the loss that struck the whole group. Will she finally be able to move on, or will she forever wallow in guilt and self-loathing? Mild Kurama/Botan, One-shot


**Going on Living**

_Three months._

_It's funny how three months can pass you by slowly and painfully. They don't feel like an eternity, but at the same time, they do. Time seems to have stopped for me three months ago, when something happened that has forever left a gaping hole in my heart._

_Lord Koenma has tried hard to understand me all throughout the ordeal. He's even given me a long break in hopes that I'd be able to pull through the hermit hellhole I've retreated to. Perhaps he's noticed the sudden change in my disposition, not to mention how it's drastically affecting my "_grim_ reaping." I have to struggle hard to bear the pain and keep it inside me. I have to keep my cheerful facade in place when ferrying a soul, not willing to have other people catch a glimpse of my vulnerability. Truth be told, it's become hard to maintain the image because now more than ever, I've finally realized and experienced the pain one feels when losing someone. All I can manage to give now are weak, insincere smiles. I'm grateful that Lord Koenma, at the very least, feels for what I've been going through, but it adds more to the guilt and shame that I feel. I used to be one of the best ferry girls in all of Reikai, but this time around, I suppose I've become more of a slacker - a liability - than anything else. _

_Avoiding Yusuke and the others has been especially hard and agonizing. I haven't seen them since that godforsaken day, the day when we all grieved the loss of someone dear to us. I'm afraid to look at them in the eyes, scared stiff that I would break down and cry in front of them when it's my entire fault this whole thing happened. Lord Koenma has told me once that it's not my fault, that the others don't blame me so I shouldn't blame myself. It's a misguided guilt trip, he says with his all-knowing voice. But how can I not feel this way when my friends are hurting because of what I've done...Of what I am?_

_It's been three whole months of mourning for us all. Three whole months of unbearable pain that just wouldn't go away. They say time heals all wounds, but this particular wound hasn't healed completely, and I doubt if it ever will. It has, instead, turned into an ugly scar, a painful reminder of what has gone through the day when I had to ferry the soul of someone dear to me._

_Someone I have loved with all of me._

_Someone that I have unwillingly caused death to._

* * *

"I hope you forgive me. I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to take you away from them. It's all my fault. All my fault…." I trailed off, my voice a muted whisper as I tried to keep my tears from pouring out. The cold and harsh wind played with my soft blue hair that was currently down from its usual restraint. Even without looking at my reflection, I knew I was a sore sight for the eyes. I was a physical and emotional mess, but I couldn't care any less.

After a few moments of gazing at the tomb in front of me, the sturdy dam I had spent the whole night building suddenly leaked, then broke completely. Hot tears made their way from my eyes to my cheeks, the salty liquid burning my heart to a scorching degree. I cried my heart out, sobs escaping from my body, a testament to my anguished state. I couldn't stop the pain coursing through my whole body as I willed myself to snap out of my misery.

I didn't know how long I had been weeping when I heard a quiet and familiar voice from behind me. It was but a mere whisper, a caressing sound that was meant to be comforting yet oddly distressing for me.

"Botan?"

I quickly turned around to see the person who spoke. I paled when I saw him, his eyes filled with as much grief as my own. He was my ward in a sense, and the one who had dealt with the most evil of all demons when she died. I was distraught when I couldn't do anything to help him in any way.

Yusuke approached me tentatively, as if afraid that I would break or run away if he did it in a manner otherwise. The rest of the group were right behind him - Kuwabara, Shizuru, Kurama, Hiei, Yukina, and Genkai. How I missed them so. But instead of smiling their way, I looked away, ashamed that they might see the pain in my eyes. I was the reason they were here, so I had no right to share my pain with them. I was the one at fault. I didn't deserve anything but disgust and hate.

"Botan, please, look at me," Yusuke pleaded.

I stood up immediately and took a step backwards, almost stumbling in my haste to put as much distance between us as I could.

"No, Yusuke! Stay away! Please. I'll be just a minute. I promise. I'll go away soon." I almost yelled.

"Come now, Botan. Keiko wouldn't want to see you like this," he said sadly.

I winced at the name.

Keiko.

She was my best friend. She trusted me, yet all I did was take her away from the ones who loved her.

"No! You don't understand! I'm the reason why she's there! I'm the reason why she's dead. I should be in her place right now," came my heartbroken response.

I was surprised when strong arms engulfed my lithe form. I tensed, hating the contact yet loving it all the same. Yusuke hugged me with all his might, tears streaming down his face. He rocked me back and forth as if I was a child who lost her candy bar. A few moments later, he cupped my face between his hands and looked at me imploringly.

"Botan, it's not your fault. I've come to accept that it was Keiko's time to go. Everyone has. And you should too. We love you so much, Botan, and it's hurting us that you've been avoiding us all this time," he murmured.

Yukina stepped up and crushed me in a tight embrace from the side. Tinkling sounds were heard as her tears reached the ground as precious gems. "Please come back to us, Botan. We need you," she gingerly said.

My head turned towards the others, seeing the expression on their faces. Genkai and Hiei looked on quietly, the former giving me a small encouraging smile. Kuwabara was casting me a hopeful glance, silently requesting for me to stay with them. Shizuru was nervously putting her hands in and out of her pockets, no doubt wanting to smoke to release tension. Kurama's deep green eyes, full of sadness and sympathy, met my dark pink ones. He held my gaze, his orbs reaching into my very soul and reading my innermost thoughts and feelings.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke from his gaze and Yusuke and Yukina's embrace, and ran away from them as fast as I could. They yelled my name, but I ignored them and didn't look back. I distinctly heard Genkai's stern voice tell the others to leave me be, that I needed some time to be alone and there was no use rushing me.

She was right. I needed _more_ time to be by myself.

* * *

I reached the park in my blinded haste to get away from them, my hair in disarray and emotions in turmoil. Some people I passed regarded me worriedly, but I spared them no attention as I trekked on to the more private part of the park. Kurama once told me of a clearing not far away from where I was. I found the place he spoke of not a minute too soon.

And it was lovely. The cherry blossom trees that surrounded the clearing were exquisitely beautiful. The petals on the ground were too pretty to be real. They brought a sense of peace and love. I would have appreciated the scene more if I wasn't hurting.

I thought back on what Yusuke said a while ago. Yes, he was right. Keiko wouldn't want to see what a mess I had become ever since her death. She was always like that, always so concerned about the other's well-being. She was always generous, always understanding, always loving. She didn't deserve to die.

Even when the cancer overpowered her will to live, she didn't want to see the grief in our faces. She would pout whenever someone subconsciously hinted concern over her condition. So to keep her from worrying, I would put up a pretense of cheerfulness, hoping to at least give her what she wanted. It was hell, but the gratefulness in her eyes made it worth my while.

I knew she wasn't going to last long. Her destiny was already written and filed. There were no clerical errors, no stamping mistakes. I knew even before she died that she would leave us eventually. And when she asked me about it, I told her the truth. I couldn't find it in my heart to lie to her. But instead of breaking into tears or getting bitter about it, she only found acceptance in her heart.

_"I've found it better to live with myself. I've accepted my fate, and I'm now at peace with what's about to happen," _she had told me while I brushed her hair, a small smile playing upon her pale lips. Her body was so weak she couldn't even do the most basic things on her own. Her bloated figure spoke much of her pitiful condition. She only achieved one remission, and then relapsed almost immediately after. The cancer was eating away her life. She was dying, and she knew it.

She looked so strong yet so weak. She was trying hard not to show us how hard it was for her to keep us from seeing how painful it was for her. She felt that she needed to be strong for us, as if she knew we wouldn't be if things were different. She was a brave woman full of dreams. It was sad that those dreams would be wasted.

_"When I die, I want you to be the one to ferry my soul. And I wouldn't want to see you cry while you do it, Botan. I know it's going to be hard for you, but please...this is my only death wish. I want everyone to accept that I'd be gone in this lifetime, but I'd be seeing them in the next. I love you all."_

Yusuke decided to marry her on her death bed. They fulfilled their hearts' desire to be each other's first love, no matter what. The sweet kiss they shared was so full of a more pronounced love that one couldn't help tearing up while looking at the beaming couple. The whole former Reikai Tantei group was present, as were the ladies. We had grown considerably closer during the months of coping with Keiko's condition.

A few days after the wedding, Keiko slipped into a deep comatose. All hopes were shattered, and everyone was devastated. Her parents comforted each other, mournful of the expected loss of their beloved daughter. Keiko's new husband, Yusuke, was in a saddening shape. I was seated beside him, gripping his hand with my own, telling myself that it was all just a dream. But it never had been one.

The next day, I took her away. My best friend was gone. She left us.

* * *

"Oh, Keiko, I miss you so much," I cried into the empty space. Her words were still ringing in my head, but they refused to find their way to my numbed heart. It was still enveloped in a protective shell to keep all things painful at bay.

I wept for her. I wept for the life that was ended all too soon. I wept for the future she would never have. I wept for the pain that her death had caused everyone. I wept for Yusuke and the others. But most of all, I wept for myself.

There was a sudden rustle behind me, warning me of the presence of the person I knew I'd rather not talk with at the moment.

"I thought I'd find you here."

I involuntarily shuddered as I heard his voice. It was Kurama.

He sat next to me and said nothing. He made no move to comfort me, and for that, I was thankful. I didn't think I could handle more kind words from the people I'd hurt. I deserved nothing of the kind. Gradually, my sobs turned into whimpers, then into hiccups. When at last my eyes were dry, I sat in silence, just admiring the way the trees swayed with the wind. It was then that Kurama chose to speak.

"When my human mother got sick, I was willing to give up my life in exchange for hers. I didn't care that she'd be sad when she found me gone. All I wanted was for her to be safe. All I wanted was for her to go on living, even without me."

At this point, he turned to me, putting his hands on my shoulders. I stiffened, but he took no notice of it. He slowly tilted my chin upwards. His calm, handsome face filled my vision. He was truly beautiful; his red mane framing his kind face, and his usual empty orbs that burned into mine was full of emotions. I felt that everything went still, the cherry blossoms also straining to hear what was to be said.

"And I'm sure that's what Keiko would want. For all of us to go on living, even without her." I looked away when he said this.

Go on living? Even without Keiko? I couldn't possibly!

"Yes, Botan, even without her. Because she knows that we all have each other." He ever so gently forced me to look at him again. "Please understand that we don't blame you for what happened. It's been hard for all of us, especially for Yusuke and you, to accept Keiko's death. It took some time for Yusuke to move on even a little, but he managed to pull through because he turned to us for support. He knew that all of us were hurting, and to share the pain would be the best way to overcome it."

My eyes were brimming with tears which were threatening to fall over again, but Kurama wiped them away even before they did. I already knew what he was getting to, and I was already dreading to hear it. He just smiled his kind smile at me and continued what he was saying.

"When you left us, the pain doubled. At first, it felt like the group was falling apart. But we held on to each other, feeding off each other's strength and using it as our own when we need it. We realize that the only way to overcome this challenge is to face it as a group. We needed each other, so we supported each other. Even Hiei participated in our little 'support group program,' although it's more for Yukina's sake than anyone else's."

I managed a weak smile at that. Hiei would never admit his relation to Yukina, but I knew Yukina suspected that he's her brother, and I knew Hiei suspected Yukina knew. Yukina would undoubtedly feel so much better with Hiei there. I couldn't say the same for Kuwabara though.

Kurama pressed me close to his body so suddenly that it took me some time to realize what was going on. I was too weak to push him away, so I just relished on the warmth his body gave mine. I felt the steady beating of his heart when I rested my face on his chest. He buried his face on the crook of my neck as he continued speaking.

"Yusuke needs you. We all need you, Botan, just as much as you need us. Let us help you. Let us be your strength. Please, Botan. We've already lost Keiko, please don't make us lose you too," he whispered, his voice muffled by my hair.

He was right. I needed them. Even when my brain refused to accept his words, they were slowly yet surely sinking in on my heart, and I finally realized how selfish I had been in my grief-filled world. I let the guilt eat my whole being and left my friends to fend for themselves. We only had each other to hold on to, but I left them hanging in the open in my careless process of overcoming the grief.

I needed the people who understood what I was going through, and those people were them. But instead of leaning on them for support and letting them lean on me, I chose to go on my own and didn't think of how it would affect my friends.

I hurt them.

"I'm sorry. So, so very sorry..." I whispered brokenly. "I guess I was just so deeply buried in my own guilt that I wasn't thinking straight. I thought I could fight my personal battles on my own, but the thing is…I really need you guys. I thought I could carry it on my own. I just didn't want to admit it to myself, and I almost broke myself in the process. I'm so sorry."

Kurama cooed soothing words to my ear. His embrace was almost protective, almost loving, a silent comfort of sorts from a friend to a friend. He tucked the stray strands of my hair behind my ear, kissed my forehead and smiled.

I smiled in return and whispered, "Thank you, Kurama."

* * *

After I collected myself, we made our way to the Genkai's temple where, as Kurama had informed me, the others were staying for the night. We walked hand in hand, his well-built form supporting my own frail one. While we were walking, I noticed that most girls would stare - at Kurama, lustfully, while at me, murderously. And I couldn't help it. I found the situation much too funny to let it pass. I just had to laugh heartily.

Kurama looked at me with question in his eyes, wondering what prompted my sudden burst of laughter. It was either he didn't notice the looks we were getting, or he just chose to ignore them. I was willing to bet on the latter. Besides, he was definitely used to the looks of adoration women threw him. Even at the university he was attending, he was still a known heartbreaker.

"I guess some things never really change, eh, Kurama?" I teased and winked at him.

He immediately understood what I was saying. He playfully gave me a hurt look, which made me laugh even more. It was amusing to see his face hold an almost ridiculous pout since he was normally expressionless.

"Go ahead, laugh at my expense," he chided.

I laughed louder. It just felt so good. Besides, he asked for it. I never thought I would be able to laugh again after Keiko's death. I thought it was a betrayal to her memory if I did, so I didn't even dare. And it's not like there was some reason to laugh anyway, so it wasn't that hard at all.

I stopped poking fun at Kurama when he suddenly stopped walking in the middle of the street. I looked at him curiously, wondering why his face was once again serious. I was afraid I did something wrong, and my heart almost stopped.

"Just as long as you promise to make that lovely sound again, I wouldn't mind one bit," he said in a low voice.

Light pink tinted and warmed my cheeks. _Lovely sound_, he said. This guy was a charmer even if he didn't try. I just gave him a small smile and nodded in affirmative.

We continued to walk to the temple as a comfortable silence enveloped us. After a few minutes, I had a view of the temple from where I was standing. My heart jumped then sped up, apprehension clouding my brain. As we trudged our way up the stairs, he asked me the question I had been asking myself for the past few minutes.

"Are you ready?"

I didn't answer immediately. I was still deciding if I really was. I had nothing to lose. But I was troubled by the fact that I let my friends down. But then, the dojo came into view, and right then and there, I knew the answer.

"Yes, I am."

I would just wing it and win them back.

Kurama slid the door open, and the scene that greeted us was a familiar one. Hiei was in a corner with a bored expression on his face, watching Yusuke and Kuwabara bicker just like old times. Yukina and Shizuru were quietly engaged in a conversation. Genkai was sipping her tea in another corner of the room, taking in the dimwits around her. They all stopped when they saw us. Then everyone, with the exception of Hiei who just smirked, gave a welcoming smile.

I smiled in return. I never felt this happy in three months. I was with my friends again, the same ones I abandoned when I couldn't deal with my pain. The same people who, even without me having to ask, forgave me.

I caught Yusuke's eyes, and I took small steps toward him. No one spoke; everyone was afraid to break the moment with just the slightest of sound. I was barely breathing as I stopped in front of Yusuke and gave him a huge grin, my cat face in place.

"I've missed you," I told him, my voice betraying my nervousness.

He grinned in return and almost fell on his face trying to get up and give me a long bear hug. He didn't withdraw until a very long time.

"I've missed you too, Botan," he responded quietly. "We all did."

No more words were needed. It was just nice to be with them again.

* * *

_The whole gang has just visited Keiko's tomb. We talk with her as if she was just sitting there and listening to our ramblings. We've all learned to get over her death and move on with our lives, and we've even become more solid as a group. _

_It's a perfect day for an afternoon in the park. It's been more than a year since Kurama knocked some sense into my stubborn head and heart. I have realized how foolish I was during the three months I was gone. Oh, what a ditz, I am._

_I've resumed my ferrying duties again, and boy, was Lord Koenma beyond relieved when I told him that I was back. I guess the souls piled up while I was gone. He's become his normal bratty self again around me, but I knew he missed me even if he never told me. He's just like that, proud. But he's always had a soft heart.  
_

_Yusuke has become perfectly capable of loving another woman again. That is, if the right one comes along. He still wears his wedding ring, but only to preserve the memories. I'm glad. I'm pretty sure Keiko would turn over in her grave if Yusuke decided that he wouldn't love another and doom himself to be alone forever. He's now in college, trying his best to make his mother, the group, and especially Keiko, proud. _

_No one has noticed but Kurama that Hiei and I seem to have a little 'friendship' going on. He threatens me less, and has actually become more tolerable when it comes to my bubbleheadedness. We talk with each other sometimes, and I do get more than his trademark "hn's" and grunts. He still calls me annoying and baka though, but I guess that's just as far as bribing him with sweet snow would get you._

_Yukina and Kuwabara have mated and are now engaged to be married, much to Hiei's utter displeasure. He still can't figure out what Yukina saw in Kuwabara for her to agree to have a wedding, a ningen tradition! Preposterous, he says. But he figures that, and I quote, "if Yukina is happy with the big oaf, I wouldn't stand in the way." But he also added that no one should expect that he'd stop pointing the tip of his katana to Kuwabara's "ugly neck." Typical Hiei.  
_

_Shizuru is two months pregnant with the child of some rich guy she's dating who smokes just as much as she does. Of course, we all have reprimanded them both about their smoking habits, and they surprisingly agreed that quitting -- for a while anyway -- is best for the unborn baby. Lord Koenma has told me that the child would grow up with a heightened spiritual awareness and a bit of spirit energy. No doubt that with rigorous training, the child could be a future Reikai Tantei._

_Genkai is still alive and kicking…Yusuke's butt, that is. She's still as strong as ever, but she keeps hinting that her end might be nearing. She has already talked with me about ferrying her soul _again_, and warned me that if I ever acted like I did when Keiko left us, she'd personally spank me and also ask Lord Enma to punish me with a thousand spankings. Needless to say, I am not looking forward for any of that to happen. Spankings are reserved only for Lord Koenma, but Genkai has always been an asset to the Spirit World that Lord Enma would no doubt grant her wishes.  
_

_Kurama and I have been steadily dating for a year. He's not as perfect as almost everyone thinks he is, but his imperfections just make me love him all the more. He's been patiently putting up with my quirkiness, and I've learned to see through his unreadable face. He's terribly sweet and loving; I can't ask for more. We're taking our own sweet time on taking things a little further, but we're both content on how things are going between us so far. There's no hurry, really. _

_The scar that the death of Keiko created is still there, but most of the pain has gone away. With the help of my friends, I have healed my broken soul and heart. I'm going to miss Keiko, that much won't change. But she will always be in my heart, and that's all that matters._

_We're all happy with our lives. We definitely won't forget the person who made this stronger bond of friendship of ours possible. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have learned to trust others enough to make them see my weaknesses and pains. Everyone wouldn't have realized that we do need one another in more ways than one. This is why our friendship will stand the test of time, come hell and high water._

_This is what Keiko would want. For all of us to go on living, even without her, at least with all of us together._

**End**

* * *

**Author's Notes and Behind-the-Scenes**

Done, and done! My first ever fanfic. I had planned on making it a novelette type of story with chapters and all, but as expected, I ran into trouble stringing words together, so I'm well aware of how awkward some lines tend to be. I knew I wasn't meant to be a fiction writer.

Honestly, it sounded a lot better while I was plotting it on my mind.

Since I originally intended for the story to be a long one (which never happened, a pity), I wanted to focus on Botan and Keiko's friendship with a very very _very_ mild KuramaxBotan friendship/romance. This is what was supposed to happen in the story if only I was talented enough to write it: A week after Yusuke returned to Ningenkai from Makai, the whole gang held a celebration for his arrival. This would have the first KB interaction. Botan would go outside for a walk, then Kurama would accompany her. Just a simple conversation, no attraction whatsoever (okay, so maybe a little hint here and there). Then inside the dojo, Keiko suddenly fainted. They found out later she had cancer. A lot of gibberish here and there, medical procedures, how Keiko reached her first remission with Botan supporting her all the way, and how the gang became closer in the process (especially KB, of course). Keiko's relapse a couple of months after and the gradual deterioration of her health. A lot of medical stuff again in between. When the doctor said that Keiko would die, Yusuke decided to have them married (because he loved her that much). A few days later, Keiko died. Then Botan's lapse to near-insanity, her three months of absence, and how it had affected the gang. What happened next was basically what_ Going on Living_ was all about.

You're more than free and welcome to take the plot and develop it as you see proper. All I'd like is for you to give me a heads up so I could read your work. It'd be interesting to read someone else's take on this.

This fic will be edited constantly to correct mistakes and to suit my liking.

Uh-huh. Yes, standard disclaimers apply.


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